


Perfect Broken Worlds

by PigeonDreams



Category: Natepat - Fandom
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Aliens did it, Angst, Asexual Character, Bisexual Male Character, Christmas, Cuddling & Snuggling, Dream Sex, Dubcon Dream Sex, Felix is an evil alien, Fluff, Gay Male Character, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Torture, Kissing, Losing Custody of Your Children Due to Insanity, Loss of Limbs, M/M, Masturbation, Masturbation While Crying, Masturbation in Shower, Mind Rape, Mistletoe, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sexual Fantasy, Sexual Frustration, Smut, Telepathy, alien torture, questioning characters
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-31
Updated: 2020-05-28
Packaged: 2021-02-27 07:20:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 12,174
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22063195
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PigeonDreams/pseuds/PigeonDreams
Summary: Matt's healing.(A semi-messy book of one-shots from a side story in my developing AU which may never come to fruition)
Relationships: Matthew Patrick/Nathan Sharp
Comments: 3
Kudos: 26





	1. Summer

**Author's Note:**

  * For [rabbit_in_a_lizard_mask](https://archiveofourown.org/users/rabbit_in_a_lizard_mask/gifts).



> ayyyyy hands up for last fic of the decaaaaaaade
> 
> Hope ur dreams come true in 2020

The first kiss was a fantasy.

It was 2:38 a.m. on the fifth of July, and Matt was a blanket burrito on Nate’s lap, finally sleeping after the hailstorm of fireworks that had shattered the sky for Independence Day. Nate gently rubbed the sleeping man’s back, phone in the other hand.

Suddenly, at 2:39 in the  _ fucking morning _ , Nate’s phone belted the ringtone of a facetime call. Matt shifted a little, but didn’t open his eyes.

“Hunter, what the hell do you need at this hour? Matt’s  _ sleeping _ finally! Do you have to ruin that?” Nate whispered threateningly into the phone.

“Oh my god, is he on top of you? Are you snuggling?” Hunter said, taking another sip of beer.

“I’m trying to get him to sleep after a stressful night,” Nate growled through hatred teeth.

“Aww, you’re such a good boyfriend.”

“Hunter, I’ve already  _ told  _ you…”

“Right, you’re not a couple. You’re just two guys who share a house and a bed where you snuggle every night and every time you make plans you have to go check with Matt and you never shut up about him and—”

“Dude, you know that neither Matt or me is ready for a relationship. I don’t wanna push him into anything. Also, I am  _ straight _ . Straight as a ruler.”

“I own a bendy ruler. I think I put it in a drawer somewhere around here.” Hunter put his beer bottle down with a loud  _ ‘clink _ ’ and started opening drawers.

Matt stirred. Nate lowered his voice even more.

“And even if I was gay, it wouldn’t matter. I’m not the one for him. His needs come first. I prioritize Matt’s wants over my feelings.”

Matt’s eyes fluttered open, his face moved up towards Nate’s. Then he gave Matt a quick peck on the lips before curling back into his burrito.

Nate froze up. “I-I-I...”

“Bro, I have pictures of it, so you can’t pretend that didn’t happen.”

Nate hung up, and threw his phone aside. This was too much. He went back to petting Matt, who was already back to sleep.

The next day was visitation, and while Matt played with Ollie, Nate sat on his hands trying not to make eye contact with Stephanie.


	2. Autumn

It’s four-thirty A.M. Nate slithered himself out from under Matt’s head, moving it from his chest to the pillow.

He really shouldn’t be doing this. It wasn’t going to help anything, least of all himself. But he just  _ had _ to know.

He grabbed Matt’s laptop and left the room so the light didn’t disturb Matt.

Opening up the laptop and logging in, he went to YouTube and clicked the recent video: “GAME THEORY IS BACK!”

A tiny Matt spoke to him through the screen, doing a pretty good job of faking it. Nate forgot how loud Matt could project when he wasn’t whispering into Nate’s neck.

But he wasn’t here to watch the video he’d seen a dozen times before, including during its filming. He inhaled and scrolled down.

The top few comments—below the pinned one from Game Theory—were all supportive. But Nate wasn’t here to read  **_we’ve missed you!_ ** and  **_We still love you!_ ** . Said comments had already been liked by someone on the staff, and with a few drags of the touchpad, the people were singing a different song.

**WHERE’S STEPH**

**_matt you forgot your wife_ **

**im not the only one who thinks he’s looking at more than Diet Coke right? 😉**

That one had 40 responses. He opened it, cringing.

**You know it :)**

**_Steph’s behind the camera it’s not that deep_ **

**steph’s voice is a lot deeper now then**

**_you underestimate his love for Diet Coke_ **

**maybe he’s just happy to see** **_us_ ** **?**

**_everyone in this comment section is ignoring that HES NOT WEARING A WEDDING RING_ **

That last commenter appeared in a couple more similar threads.

**Well maybe he just forgot it,** countered a detractor.

“Nathan? What are you doing out of bed?” Matt was half-illuminated by the computer light, wrapped up in blanket like a burrito.

Nate slammed the computer shut. “I could ask you the same question.”

“I missed you.” Matt sat down. “Come back.” He tugged on Nate’s black shirt.

“Just one second, okay?” All Nate got was the pouty face.

“No.  _ Now _ .”

Nate surrendered, picking Matt up bridal style, and bringing them back into bed.

Matt grabbed Nate. “Please don’t sneak off and read the comments in the middle of the night. It’s already too much when it’s daytime.”

Nate's eyes widened. “Yeah, okay. Love you.”

“Love... love you too, I guess?” Matt stared blankly, mouth parted, scanning up and down Nate. Then he jolted forward, pressing their lips together.

It was quick and awkward--Matt stiff as a board, and uncomfortable to touch as Nate held his waist--worse than the first kiss.

Nate pushed Matt off his face and Matt flops like a rag doll. Nate plays with Matthew’s hair. “I love you to the moon and back. No matter what.”


	3. Winter

The third kiss was more natural. A little too natural. He’d seen Matt practice being human with every slightly man-shaped object in the house—not that Matt knows. Nate had gotten good at moving silently, and he knew something was coming when he’d seen Matt seducing the pillows.

December comes along, and Matt filled the void with Christmas decorating. Lights covered the roof like snow, dripping down like icicles. Fake candles everywhere. Fake holly wraps around the stair railing, and there’s a glittery snowman or a Santa on every table. And a mistletoe hung near the door, although not prominent; Nate had thought it was part of the holly at first, but slowly, it separated itself. Nate watched his step--which was what he was supposed to do, he wasn’t supposed to want this. But then he got impatient and curious, and he stood there under the mistletoe, waiting for Matt to come home.

Matt came home exactly at 6:17, opening and slamming the door as if more than just a sample of the chilling 62 degree weather would follow him. 

“Welcome home, Matt! Welcome..  _ Mat _ .” Nate winked. Matt had a blank, wide-eyed expression.

“You’re standing under the mistletoe. That means we have to kiss.” He recited in that quiet voice he talked in when it was just him and Nate.

“Well, I guess we don’t  _ have _ to. There’s no  _ law. _ ” Nate lamented, as Matt approached him with a few mechanical strides, leaning in and locking lips.

It felt better than last time—Matt not so stiff, just a little rigid. Nate let his instincts guide him, pulling Matt closer so that their bodies are touching. 

Hands slid up Nate’s shirt, fingers feeling the bumps and crevices of his muscles. Matt rubbed his jeans against Nathan’s in short, choppy circles, creating sad friction.

“Matt? What are you doing?”

“You’ve been so good to me. It’s time for someone to be good to you.” He put his hands down Nate’s pants, reaching into the underwear.

Nate, bright red, pulled the hands out of his jeans. “T-that’s nice, but you’re not ready for that. Hell,  _ I’m _ not ready to do that. Instead, why don't we go on the couch, and then we can keep doing  _ this— _ ”He paused to let Matt kiss him again, “—and just this, for a while.”

Matt brightened, jumping onto and wrapping around Nate. “Take me.”

“The couch is only a few steps away, you could have walked,” Nate groaned, winded. He puts Matt down and they flop on the sofa. “Warn me next time, okay?” 

Matt giggled, crawling onto Nate and going back to kissing him. Nate as tightly as he can, wanting Matt closer, but knowing he couldn’t pull too much without scaring him.

Hands slid up Nate’s t-shirt again, the icy little claws touched his stomach, trembling.

“Maaaaaaatt, I  _ told _ you…”

Matt sobbed. “Every time I close my eyes, it’s all I see. Him,  _ his eyes _ , staring at me with the shiny teeth.” He shakes like a stalling car. “I still feel his hands on me. I can still taste him, feel all the cords in my skin, the electricity burning in my veins… I need to wash it all out…”

Nate threw a blanket on Matt, moving away to give him space. “Breathe in, breathe out. Think of your happy place.”

Tears streamed down his cheeks. “I wanna be clean—I’ll never be clean again. I wanna flush him out of me. If I have to close my eyes, I wanna see you.” He wipes nose on his sweatshirt. “So, you can take whatever’s left of me.”

“Matt. Matthew. I’m not here to, um,  _ take _ anything from you. Please don’t talk about yourself like—” Nate interrupts himself, voice cracking as his vision blurs.

“What are you here for, then?”

There was a long pause. Matt bored into Nate’s soul with empty eyes. 

“I want you to love yourself. The way I love you.” Nathan sighed, gingerly cupping Matt’s face with his hand, wiping away tears.

“But I’ve been preparing for you,  _ Natey...  _ I thought you  _ wanted _ me.”

Nate thought of Matt at 2 a.m., kissing his computer screen with a large image of Nate on it. He had blushed and scampered off, but now the moments he had caught Matt flirting with objects like a thirsty teen became tainted. 

“Do you think that maybe it’s  _ you _ that wants  _ me _ ?” Nate theorized.

“Umm…” Matt receded into the blanket, squealing. “I’m sorry!”

“Matt, don’t apologize. I’m not mad at you. The only thing you’ve done is find me attractive—that’s fine. If anything, I’m mad at myself. I knew what you were planning, I knew you weren’t ready, and stood there and waited, because I was getting impatient.

“Are you sure it’s okay with you? It’s weird, isn’t it?”

“If you’re okay with it then I’m okay with it.”

Matt shivered, his breaths shallow and shaky. “I’m disgusting. Sorry, I  _ feel  _ disgusting.” Matt corrects himself. “But if I’m not disgusting, why do I feel so gross?”

“You had everything you want turned against you. And now you want something. You’re scared now. 

“And I know you aren’t going to believe me, but I’m not going to hurt you, and won’t let anyone touch you. I’ll keep you safe from Felix. From anyone else. From yourself.” Nate has a tissue to dry Matt’s face, but the tears keep falling.

“Everyone keeps texting me, everyone keeps asking for me. But I can’t answer them, I can’t tell them what happened, because they’ll never believe me. They all are strangers to me now. I have to look Jason in the eye five days a week and he doesn’t know all the things I’ve seen him do, the things Felix made him do—and he doesn’t know, and just thinks I’m crazy. But I’m not crazy, and I can’t defend myself, because they don’t know the truth, so I can’t talk to anyone except you and Sean. And Katie. She’s gonna have a lot to hear about during our appointment tomorr-morrow.”

Matt gurgled and groaned, covering his mouth. But that did nothing to block the stream of vomit flowing out. Nate rushed to bring the trash can. “Tha-thanks,” he moaned, finishing his puking. “Ew.”

Nate rubbed Matt’s back. “Are you done?”

Matt nodded tentatively.

“Why don’t you go take a bath? I’ll wash your clothes. And then we can play Mario Kart all night, kay?”

“Okay.” Matt trudged up the stairs. 

He spent about an hour in the bath, during which Nate threw the dirty clothes in the wash, cleaned up the tiny stains on the couch and floor, and empties the trash can. Matt then comes out in his pajamas.

“Feeling better?”

“Yeah.”

Nate didn’t kiss Matt during Mario Kart, but he sure thought about doing it a lot, and he was certain Matt thought about it too, but neither of them wanted to repeat this evening. So, he watched Matt, who was illuminated blue by the screen in this dark room.

Nate let Matt win Mario Kart, watching the victor bounce excitedly.

“I know you weren’t trying, so that you be all nice, but that doesn’t mean I can’t rub it in your face!” He slipped into Nate’s lap, curling up and closing his eyes.

_ If it makes you your old self again, I’ll lose every video game. I’d destroy the Golden Gate Bridge just to see you smile.  _ “No I didn’t.”


	4. Winter II (Christmas Eve)

Matt turned the shower on, letting it warm. His phone was buzzing with text from a ‘Rosanna’ he’d been told he’s quite close with—he’d seen the videos of them together.

He muted the device. He didn’t have the energy to act right now. He wanted to clean off the dirty feeling of his own desires.

“Clean.” He breathed. “Clean, clean,  _ clean.  _ Clean off. Make it quick.”

Stripped down, he didn’t bother to take his prosthetic feet off. He stepped into the shower, shaking as hot water falls on his back.

Nate pulled on a set of red winter pajamas. He didn’t like wearing them to bed, usually only sleeping in boxers, but Matt’s needs were more important than Nate’s wants.

Speaking of wants…

He let out a frustrated groan. Did it really have to pester him  _ now _ ? Surely there would be a better time for this later, or never.

He heard the shower nozzle turn on.  _ Matt doesn’t take quick showers, does he? If he’s gonna be there awhile… _

He nudged his pants down, exposing his already hardening cock. _Just have to_ _make it quick._

Matt tried his hardest to resist. He hated those dark desires, and how they would crawl under his skin.

_ “The easiest feeling to corrupt.”  _ He could hear Felix cooing into his ear, just before Matt’s own memories were projected into his head: foreplay with past lovers, twisted as his mate ripped out his lungs, eating them as Matt had to watch—unable to die, but still bleeding out as vultures descended to peck on the remains of his sentient corpse. Then returning to reality, pinned down by cold metal pressing against his naked body, as his toes would be crushed and chopped off.

Matt gripped onto the shower wall. “Breathe in, out. In, out. In, out. He’s not here—he can’t hurt you—not as long as I’m here.” He repeated what Nate said to him.

“Only two aliens on planet earth. They don’t even live on this continent. And no one’s going to hurt me if I stay out of their stuff. Learned my lesson. Learned my lesson the first time.” He watched water flow down his plastic feet.

Now calmer, he closed his eyes and tried to pretend he wasn’t naked and alone in the shower. But his mind could only go back to one place.

Closing his eyes, Nate tried to imagine he was somewhere more arousing—he could never get into porn, so it was up to his own head to create the fantasy.  _ Perhaps a nice beach resort. The clothing-optional kind. Put some topless women there, maybe have them make out with each other? _

He tried to craft the ultimate heterosexual male fantasy. But it was not as effective as anticipated. And someone couldn’t help but follow him into his head.

_ “Need a little help there?” Matt slid in behind him, hands massaging Nate’s neck. _

_ “You’re not supposed to be here, Matt.” _

_ The theorist smirked. “And I’m here anyways.” He sat next to Nate, spreading his legs out, one over Nate's lap. _

_ “Any chance you’re wearing anything under that robe, Matt?” _

_ “I think you already know the answer.” Matt kissed Nate’s neck. _

_ “I’m trying to have a sexy moment over here.” _

_ “That’s why I’m here. Oral or anal, Nate?” _

_ “Um… oral.” _

_ “You can’t imagine a woman sucking your dick when you’re already imagining a man sucking your dick, Natey. But I think you’re hot and I’ll do it anyways because I love you.” Matt looked at Nathan’s stiffening penis. “Oh, that’s what gets you hard? Love? That’s pretty fucking gay.” _

_ “Just suck my dick already. I’m  _ trying  _ to have a jack-off fantasy and nothing’s gonna happen until you touch me.” _

_ “Your head, Nate. You’re torturing yourself. Matt’s in the other room.” _

“I have to do everything myself, huh?”

As he scrubbed himself with the loofah, Matt tried to scrub himself of dirty thoughts as well. But trying to get rid of them only made him think about it more.

Earlier this week he had been browsing Nate’s fan circles on the internet, and he’d found himself peeking into more private spaces, and in chat there’d been a gif posted of a Nate doppelgänger (sans tattoos) doing… un-Christian things to another man. It made Matt want to puke. It made Matt want those things done to him. 

Matt stroked his cheek, simulating human contact, trying to remember back to when such ideas wouldn’t scandalize him like this. 

It was hard to think of things that had happened before January.

Sometimes Nate hated his own head. He jacked it maybe four times a year and he could never get anywhere his imagination anywhere besides “sad man masturbates alone” until Matt comes along and suddenly his mind decided to give him a little company—and said company was not ready to answer any of his newly-formed questions.

The loneliness was less confusing. He gave his cock a few more limp stokes. It wasn’t getting any more than half-hard.

With a groan, he turns over, grabs his phone, and opened Twitter.

Matt couldn’t resist anymore. He had to touch it.

His mind went to one person only—the only person he could comfortably imagine touching him. Nate would be gentle, wouldn’t he?

Nate was also very, very handsome. Matt had seen him in various states of undress. Every other night Nate would shower, and every time he’d come out with just a towel wrapped around his waist, and would grab his pajamas and put them on. Matt would watch; whether Nate was oblivious or apathetic, Matthew didn’t know, but god, his mouth watered at the curves and angles of Nate’s back and hips and chest. He’d recorded everything in his mind. Everything except for one piece—the thought of which turned Matt from rosy pink to firetruck red.

He’d seen quite a few of them, both in real life and in computer screens. Nathan probably didn’t have the thermos-sized package of a mature film star, but still, one had to wonder about its dimensions, grow-er or show-er, color, its… shooting ability, and all that. Matt didn’t want to form an inaccurate mental image of it.

“Hold me, Nate,” he cried, whispering to no one. “Tell me you’ll never leave me, y-you’ll never hurt me, you’ll never use me up. Tell me you’ll always love me, tell me I’m handsome, even after everything you’ve seen of m-me.”

Matt leaned against the shower’s wall, slowly gliding down it and falling onto the floor into the fetal position.

“Please be gentle,” he sobbed into his knees. “Don’t hurt me. I love you.” He wiped away snot and tears with his free hand.

“I’m scared, N-N-Nathan, I’m scared.” He squeaked out, shaking with bittersweet release. He watched the little white trail be whisked down the shower drain.

Tucked into a little ball, Matt let tears mix with the shower water pounding from above.

* * *

Matt crawled out of the bathroom, still in his robe, and slipped back under the sheets.

“Are you okay?” Nate put his phone down and turned toward Matt, reaching his hand out—not quite touching.

“Y-yeah, just...just too tired to change.” Matt rubbed his eyes.

“Can I come closer?”

“O-Okay.”

“Is that a yes or a no?” Nate leaned in. “Your eyes are all red.”

Matt looked up at Nate with broken eyes. “Would you fuck me?”

“Um.” Nate’s cheek heat up, and it takes a second for him to catch a breath of air. “Wh-what do you  _ mean by that _ ?” He squeaks.

“You know what I mean,” Matt said, tugging on the tie of his robe.

“But  _ like,  _ in general? Right now? In the future?”

“Whenever you want,” Matt coos, pulling apart his robe.

“Oh my god, Matt!” Nate’s heart pounds, blood rushing to his face. He pulls the ends of Matt’s robe and ties it back up before anything can show. “Why don’t we just snuggle. Forget the stressful and hard stuff, skip right to the good part. No...  _ intercourse _ required.” He scoops Matt up and pulls closer.

“The  _ good _ part of sex is the  _ sex,  _ Nate.”

“Well, that’s your opinion.”

Matt just rolls his eyes, resting his head on Nate’s shoulder.

“I’m not even sure if I’m gay.”

“‘Scuse me now?”

“Um, well…” Nate thinks back on his own relationships. “This isn’t really how I felt about Cris or Morgan. It’s really more like… A friend. Like Andy.”

“You want to kiss Andy?”

“Only the normal amount.”

Matt cackled. “Normal amount for  _ what? _ ”

“For bros, y’know. I don’t think about it much—just like, I’m curious how it would  _ feel _ .”

Matt lost it. Absolutely lost it. He laughed for a straight minute, holding his stomach, while Nate stares blankly, forcing a few laughs.

“Oh my  _ god _ . You’re the gayest motherfucker I’ve ever met, and you don’t  _ even know it. _ ”

“What? Haven’t you ever wondered what it’d be like to kiss your friends?”

“Not the ones I want to stay friends with. Like that Markiplier guy—do we know him?—I’d kiss him, but I’d also  _ sleep _ with him, so that’s pretty gay.”

Nate stared at the ceiling fan, doing the human equivalent of buffering from information overload. “Yes we do know Mark,” he mumbled.

Matt interrupted the awkward silence. “Everyone thinks we’re dating. Everyone at the office keeps calling you my boyfriend.”

“Uh-huh. Me too.”

“We live together, we share a bed, we snuggle, you take care of me, we’ve kissed…” Matt bit his lip. “I think we should make our relationship official.”

Nate jerked up. “No. We can’t.”

“Why not?”

“I don’t wanna hurt you, Matthew. You’ve been through too much. I can’t—I can’t  _ do  _ that to you.” He fought back tears.

“Then don’t hurt me, Nate.” Matt whispered, snuggling closer.

“Matt, I-I’ve never had a functional relationship before. I’m always too distant, irritable, emotionally unavailable, cold in bed, I never listen…” The ghosts of girlfriends past echoed in his head.

> _ “Do you even love me?” _
> 
> _ “It’s been two weeks and you’ve barely even spoken to me.” _
> 
> _ “It’s like you don’t even want to be in this relationship!” _

“Relationships are hard, and stressful, and miserable. And leave both people more hurt. And I can’t, I just  _ can’t _ do that to you, I like you too much. You deserve to be with some guy or girl who can really treat you right. Not me.”

“They’re not supposed to be miserable if you do them right. When they’re nice, they feel like… this.” Matt wipes Nate’s tears with the sleeve of his robe. “This is a relationship, and everyone but you seems to know it. All you need to do is start calling me pet names: sweetheart, baby-doll, buttercup,  _ cumslut— _ ”

“Whoa,  _ whoa.  _ I’m not calling you anything degrading, buttercup. Darling. Sweetheart. Baby.” He takes a deep breath. “I need to sleep on this. And maybe cry.” He slipped out of bed, escaping Matt’s grasp.

“Come  _ baaaack,  _ Nate, I love you! _ ” _ Matt pulled on Nate’s shirt.

“I’m getting your jammies. I don’t want you to wake up triggered from being practically naked.”

“Y’know, most people who come into my bed want me in less clothes,” Matt teased flirtatiously.

“Yeah, well, I’m not like other boys.” Nate picked out boxers and a blue pajama set, turning away to let Matt change.

“Okay, I’m done. You can come back to bed now.”

Nate got back in, Matt grabbing and pulling him closer, before settling in on Nate’s chest.

“Good night, Matthew.”

“Night, Natey,” Matt said, back in his usual whispery tone.

Nathan twirled Matt’s hair, breathing deeply until they both fell asleep.

* * *

_ Nate woke just as he’d slept, with Matt laying on top of him. _

_ “Morning, babe,” said Matt, waking with a sigh, reaching to touch Nate’s face. _

_ “Mornin’,” Nate said in turn. “How’re you?” _

_ “Good.” He smiled. Then his face crinkles as he bumped something with his thigh. _

Oh no.  _ Nate’s stomach dropped. _

_ After a couple seconds, Matt pulled down the sheet. “O-oh,” Matt gasped, covering his mouth and blushing. _

_ Nate’s dick stood erect as the Eiffel Tower, giving him a giant tent in his pants. _

_ Nate followed his flight response _ — _ scrambling desperately out of the bed. “Fuck, Matt, fuck, I’m sorry you had to see that, fuck.” _

_ “Wait, Nathan. Let me…  _ help  _ you. With your situation.” He grabbed Nate’s hand. _

_ “Matt, no, I can’t make you do that.” _

_ “You’re not making me do anything, Nate. I choose this, because I don’t want you cussing yourself out in the bathroom, waiting for it to go away.” _

_ Matt was right. And Nate hated that. _

_ “Okay. But this is just to make it go away. No dirty talk, no eye contact, no kissing. Use hands only.” _

_ Matt nodded dutifully, pulling Nate’s pants down to expose the member. “Oh, it’s… nice.” _

_ “Um, thanks?” Nate didn’t know where to look, or where to put his hands. Folding them behind his head and staring at the ceiling felt douchey, but touching and looking Matt felt too awkward, so he settled on folding his arms across his chest and having his eyes dart everywhere. _

_ Matt started with a slow pump. Nate bit down on his lip, trying not to moan. _

_ Matt moved a little faster, settling into a comfortable rhythm. Nate’s teeth dug into his lip, drawing blood. Suddenly, he couldn’t hold it anymore, and a high moan left his mouth. _

_ Matt stole a quick glance at Nate’s face. They only made eye contact for a millisecond, but that was too long and Nate continued to watch the ceiling fan go round, trying to hold back more noises, as Matt went down the shaft to massage the balls. _

_ “Fuck, Ma—”  _ Oh dear lord above, do not say his name.  _ “Let me help.” _

_ Nate gripped the top of his own dick, tugging up and down, up and down. Matt took care of the bottom half. Occasionally their hands should brush against each other, and Nate only turned deeper shades of red. _

_ “Watch out, I think I’m about to cum,” he groaned. He covered the tip of his penis, trying to contain the spray. _

_ He did his best to ejaculate silently, but he still yelled in ecstasy. “Oh, God…” Cum dripped down from the tip, mostly landing in his hands. _

_ Matt removed his hand from the equation; a few drops had leaked onto his hands. _

_ “Oh fuck, Matt, I’m so sorry." _

_ “It’s fine, Nate—do you know how many times it’s gotten in my eye? This is fine.” _

* * *

Nate woke up, this time for real, still blushing. He checked his dick—soft as dough.

Matt, however, was shaking nervously in his sleep, kicking Nathan’s leg.

“Matt, Matthew, wake up. It’s just a dream,” he called into Matt’s ear, gently rocking back and forth.

Matt was slowly pushed into the waking realm, muttering madly. He awakens with a shout.

“It’s just a dream, Matt. You’re with me now.” Nate stroked the shuttering man’s back. “Shh, shh…”

Whimpering, Matt buried his face in Nate’s shirt.

“You’re here with me now, nothing from your dreams can come into the real world.”

After several desperate gasps, Matt calmed down, gradually shaking and crying less.

“You wanna talk about it?” Nate asked, sitting up to let Matt rest on his lap.

“Um, I had the pretty standard nightmares. Y’know. The chasing one where the demon-Stephanie is trying to swallow me whole. The kidney removal one.” Matt paused.

“And?” Nate said, sensing more.

Matt gulped. “I had a very different kind of dream. It wasn’t a nightmare. I’ve had dreams like it before, but usually they end badly… with blood…”

Nate pet Matt’s hair as Matthew gathered the courage to share.

“It was…  _ a wet dream _ … you were in it… and you woke up with a bad case of morning wood so I, I volunteered to h-help you out by giving a… doing…” Matt formed a tube with his fingers and moved it up and down in a handjob motion.

Nate stopped, twirling the brunet’s hair, palms sweating. “And then when I… climaxed, you said you were glad it hadn’t gotten in your eye?”

Matt froze up. “Was I talking in my sleep again?”

Nate took in a shallow breath. “ _ I  _ had that dream last night.”

Matt was red, and he covered my “Fuck, Nate, I’m so sorry.”

“Matt, please, calm down, I’m not mad. You don’t even know if it was your fault. Maybe it’s my fault or the aliens’.”

“Katie warned m-me that I might… might get some…. su-supernatural powers. Nothing had happened yet, so I thought I was safe…” he drifted off, sitting silently for a few moments.

Matt came back to life with a shake. “I’m sorry for my behavior last night, and I’m sorry for my behavior while sleeping—”

“—Matt, if you didn’t do it on purpose, there's no need to apologize—”

“—Please don’t get the wrong idea. I’m not ready to… I’m not gonna touch your…”

Nate kissed the top of Matt’s head. “I’m not ready either.”

“And we don’t have to be in a relationship if you don’t want to.”

“I’m… having a lot of feelings right now about…  _ everything _ . But if you’d  _ like _ to call me your  _ boyfriend _ … I won’t stop you.”

Matt grinned, eyes moving from his  feet ankles to Nate. “Kiss? On the lips?”

“Sure.” Nate stood up, arms open.

Matt wrapped his arms around Nate’s shoulders, and Nate held Matt’s waist to support him. Matt’s lips touched Nate’s, and they shared a chaste kiss.

“Merry Christmas, Natey.”

Nate’s eyebrows rose in realization. “Oh shit, it’s Christmas Eve, isn’t it—that means we’re going to see Ollie tonight for dinner, also, I still have some gifts to wrap,” he mused as he helped Matt put on his feet.

“Wait until you see what I got you,” Matt raved, smirking. “I got you a couple… dozen gifts.”

“Oh, Matt, you didn’t have to do that.”

“Don’t be ridiculous, Nate, you’ve been far too good to me… besides, I wouldn’t know who else to shop for… ‘cept Ollie…”

Jovial mood ruined, Matt stands and head to the bathroom in stiff silence.

* * *

“Can I ask you a question?” Matt whispered meekly, staring at his hands.

“Yes?” Nate glanced over at Matt sitting to the right of him in the passenger’s seat, not keeping his eyes off the road for long.

“In the dream we shared last night,”—Matt talked even quieter than usual—“Was your dream pen… was your, um,  _ anatomy _ accurate?”

Blood rushes to Nate’s cheeks. “Um, yeah, pretty much, I think. I don’t know. I don’t exactly spend a lot of time looking at my penis.”

“Okay,” Matt whispered. “Sorry. It’s been on my mind.” Embarrassed, Matt fiddled with the radio, scrolling through Christmas songs.

“Anything else you want to ask me?” Nate inquired as he considered asking about the eye-jizz comment.

“No. That’s all.”


	5. Boundaries

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sex. How does it work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah this very... steamy
> 
> (lotsa talk about sex and minor mentions of suicide, plus other trauma)

“It’s what we’re made to do

you act like we’re to blame

Wear a mask to hide yourself

When really it makes us the same…”

_ Nate stroked Matt’s shoulder, smiling greedily. The captive looked up in fear, gag falling; he squirmed, trying to escape, but had no luck against the ropes. _

_ “ _ A couple hours but it’s feeling like days…”

_ Nate(mare)’s hands creeped down Matt’s chest. _

“Now you’re running out of power…”

_ Nate(mare) touched Matt’s dick, feeling a growing boner through jeans. _

_ “ _ Leave you mangled and winding away!”

_ The monster laughed, unzipping Matt’s pants. This was going to be fun. _

_ Matt was shaking, his protests muffled by the gag. _

_ “Aw c’mon, Matthew. You’ve been such a good boy. You deserve a treat. Now hold still. You can do that, right? You’re a good boy.” _

_ The phone rang. Nate(mare) placed it on the table facing toward them. _

_ “Now let’s give our guest here a show.” _

“Hello, hello?” _ Called Nate’s voice from the speaker. _

_ Matt nodded frightfully. His pants were on the floor now. _

_ Natemare adjusted Matt’s legs for easier access, coming in with a forceful thrust. _

This time, Nate was the one who woke up in panic. He nudged Matt off his arm, ran to the bathroom, and splashed water on his face.

“Deep breaths. Deep breaths. In… out…” he kept himself steady, grabbing onto the vanity edge for dear life. In the mirror, he watched his chest go up and down, until his breathing reached a slow, steady rhythm.

He turned to sneak back into bed, only to find Matt in the doorframe, rubbing the sleep for his eyes.

Later that morning, Nate received a text:

**Hi Nate!**

**We need to talk about some stuff :)**

**Um hi**

**Are you downstairs?**

**I'm coming**

**No!**

**I’d like to do it over text**

**I’ve already tried face to face. I get too flustered.**

**Ok?**

**What is it**

Nate watched the bubble on his screen pop up, then disappear, then reappear, with the three dots loading.

**Sex.**

**What about sex**

**We don’t have sex**

**Well, not yet**

**But with those dreams I have**

**Katie said we should talk about it**

**Like, what we’d want out of a sexual relationship**

**Matt I told you I don’t want you like that**

**I’m fine the way things are**

**I know, I know, I know!**

**But we’ll get there eventually, right?**

**It’s best to start these conversations now**

**Especially since you said that you’ve struggled with communication in your past relationships**

**Yeah I guess**

**So, Nate, what do you want in bed?**

**Snuggles**

**Kisses**

**You in my arms**

**C’mon, Nate.**

**You know what I mean ;)**

**What do u mean**

**What acts do you want performed on you?**

Nate stared at the phone, face in his hand. He hadn’t thought much about it, except for on that sexually awkward Christmas Eve… Eve. 

**Well Idk**

**I’m mean**

**We’re dealing with different parts than I’m used to**

**It’s really not as different as you think**

**Most of the anatomy is the same**

**Ever done anal?**

**Couple times**

**It’s not different on a guy**

**I’m a pretty good bottom, if you’re into that**

**Unless you’d like to be the bottom :P**

**It’s not necessary, though. A lot of guys don’t like it.**

**Never been my thing**

**That’s ok!**

**Wait**

**What is your sexual history?**

**How many people have you slept with?**

**Um…**

**I have a big confession**

**What?**

**Before we got together**

**I was married to a woman for 6 years**

**And… We had a child together.**

**:o**

**Oh wow Matt**

**I can’t believe you’ve been hiding this**

**Will you ever forgive me?**

**I’m not sure**

**Maybe in time, babe**

**Other than her tho?**

**Well, you see**

**I don’t know, exactly…**

**I had a bit of a promiscuous phase when I first entered college and I slept with quite a few guys, mostly because I had escaped all the homophobic shit from high school.**

**Then I calmed down a bit and had my first real girlfriend and we lasted a semester.**

**Then I had a boyfriend for a couple years—it was a really toxic relationship for the both of us. A lot of screaming and crying and trying to fix things with sex. We actually were engaged for a time. Even though it wasn’t legal to get married in that state.**

**Oh. Wow.**

**It ended when I had a huge mental breakdown and I think I might’ve tried some things that scared him off**

**Like what?**

**Offing myself. At least I think that happened..?**

**You remember all this?**

**Oh, all this stuff? I can recall it better than ever.**

**Fuck, man**

**He seems happy now, at least**

**He married a woman like five years ago**

**Well that’s good :)**

**While I was in that relationship, I met my beautiful wife**

**Ex-wife***

**Eventually we got married and we were happy for awhile**

**But all the spotlight and business dealings drained all the passion**

**Eventually it felt like we were just coworkers who shared a house**

**We decided to split, then...**

**We found out that birth control is only 99.7% effective.**

**Oh yikes**

**Yikes indeed.**

**We stayed together for the pregnancy to protect our reputations.**

**We didn’t want anyone to think that it wasn’t my baby or anything like that.**

**...**

**I had a couple of one night stands during that last year.**

**Wait**

**While she was pregnant?!??!**

**Maybe once?**

**Matthew!**

**Look I’m not proud of it okay?**

**We both made a lot of bad decisions**

**It’s weird being so close to someone yet so lonely…**

**It’s not like she wanted me there!**

**Did she know?**

**I don’t know?**

**-_-**

**What do you want me to do about it now?**

**-_-**

**Ugh**

**Can we just deal with this another time?**

**Alright. fine**

**What were we talking about**

**So my dream last night**

**It made you uncomfortable**

**Yeah**

**Sorry for freak out**

**I cant stand seeing you tied up like that**

**All naked and vulnerable**

**Talking to you like a dog**

**:(**

**I’m sorry**

**I’ll be fine**

**Are you okay with that?**

**Yeah?**

**Honestly, I’m kinda into it**

**Really?**

**After everything he did to you?**

**I *was* into that stuff before**

**That’s fine ig**

**I’m not doing that with you**

**Or anyone**

**Ok**

**Matt**

**We’re not ready for sex**

**You freak out at skin 2 skin contact**

**I’m going to get *better* one day!**

**And we’ll be a normal couple!**

**Can’t we just swap fantasies for now?**

**Talk dirty to me ;)**

***leans in***

**:o**

**The garbage can is overflowing in the kitchen**

**:(**

**I think I need to do the laundry**

**D:**

**What do u want me to say**

**What do you do when you have sex?**

**Drink.**

**Hydrate?**

**Liquid courage goes a long way**

**a long and sexy way**

**Oh no…**

**What**

**It makes it feel better**

**Takes off the edge**

**Nate, that’s not good for you**

**You shouldn’t do that**

**You’re not my mom**

**You can’t tell me what to do**

**Anyways after that I just ram her pussy with my member for a few minutes and hope she cums**

**Then go to sleep.**

**Really?**

**You’re joking right?**

**Right? -_-**

**What am I supposed to do?**

**That seems to be the mechanics of it**

**In, out, in, out**

**Oh I don’t know. Pleasure her?**

**Women don’t generally like it when you ram into them for a few minutes!**

**You have to develop some technique!**

**You can’t just think about yourself!**

**I told you I don’t like sex that much. I just try and get it over with**

**-_-**

**Look, we don’t need to think about sex right now**

**You’re not ready and every time you come onto me you end up regretting it**

**I know… :(**

**I want you, Nate. Intimately.**

**I want your body and it terrifies me.**

**Well it doesn’t have to be sexual to be intimate**

**If you want to see me naked it doesn’t have to be sexual**

**We could shower together or something like that**

**V naked. No sex**

**I like that idea**

**Could we do that tonight?**

**Sure if ur ready**

**But if I get hard… please don’t be mad**

**Don’t worry**

**I’ll take as a compliment**

* * *

Nate turned on the shower, letting it warm up.

Meanwhile, Matt sat on the vanity, swinging his legs, staring at his hands.

Nate bit his lip, considering his next course of action. “So… should I take my clothes off? Or do you want to take your clothes off first?”

Matt ducked his head. “Actually, I’d prefer if you took them off for me.”

Nate’s face warmed. “Ar-are you sure?”

“Please, it’s better if you do it. Trust me.” He unfolded his body for easier access, not making eye contact.

“Okay,” Nate sputtered, reaching toward the front of Matt’s jacket, unzipping it. He slid the jacket off Matt’s shoulders, taking caution not to tug too hard or to touch skin. Then he unbuttoned the flannel, feeling Matt’s chest rise and fall with short, choppy breaths as hands went lower and lower. Then came the undershirts, which were peeled off together—one of which was  _ definitely  _ Nate’s—and then came time for the pants. With one last look up at Matt, who still wasn’t making eye contact, Nate undid Matt’s fly, pulling on the legs of the jeans to bring them to the floor, and they took Matt’s socks with them. Finally, It came time to remove the underwear, of which Matt was wearing two pairs, and Nate tried his best to remove them without coming into contact with any unfortunate places. And thus, Matt was fully nude.

“Jesus,” Nate looked upon the pile on the floor, “don’t you get hot in all this?”

“You get used to it. I keep the A/C up in my office. Also, you don’t need to put the seat thing in. I don’t use it.” He said, as Nate lifted the plastic shower seat.

“But Matt, you’re not supposed to—”

“I’m an adult. I can do what I want.” He declared, jumping slightly at the shower door opening with a ‘pop’.

Nate sighed. He resigned himself, taking off his own clothes and tossing them to the floor to join Matt’s, and stepped into the glass chamber.

Matt greeted him with wide eyes, arms crossed over his body as if he could still hide something. It was then that it occurred to Nate just  _ what _ they were doing. Showering together. Naked. At most a foot away from each other.

Nate could see Matt’s  _ thing,  _ flopping out in the open. He kept looking away and then looking back at it— _ yup, still there. _

He’d seen Matt naked before, sure, but that was while being tortured by Felix. Nate wasn’t sure what emotions he was supposed to feel, or what the bubbling in his stomach was trying to tell him.

There were so many scars. The lines and dots on his forearms where Matt was hooked to that machine. A mark on his shoulder. A line near his navel heading down to the—oh god, there it is again.

It took several moments for Nate to look Matt in the face again. Matthew was flushed, head cowered, looking up with big brown eyes and dilated pupils, staring at Nate intensely as if this was the last time they would ever see each other.

Nate wanted to hug Matt—he looked too vulnerable. But that would cause a massive panic attack, plus unfortunate bits rubbing against other unfortunate bits.

“Can I touch you?” Nate said, reaching toward Matt’s face.

Matt nodded, trying and failing not to grimace.

Nate brushed his fingertips against Matt’s cheek. Matt flinched away at first, before leaning back in and resting his chin in Nate’s hand, still quivering.

“Is this okay?”

Matt curled up further into Nate’s hand. Images flashed into his head of Matt on his knees, lips wrapped around Nathan’s…

Direct contact may have been a bad idea.  _ Time to try something else. _

“Can I try and clean you? With the fluffy thing?” Nate pulled his hand from Matt’s chin and grabbed the loofah. “I’ll stay above the waist.”

After a blank stare and a deepening blush, Matt squeaked. “Okay.”

Nate squirted a bit of ocean breeze onto the sponge. Biting his lip, he started to rub Matt’s shoulder. No reaction. “You good?”

“Mm-hm.” Matt had his eyes closed.

Nate moved on, massaging soap into Matt’s back, going from the shoulderblades to just above the butt—he really did get as lucky there as the internet claims—Matt didn’t breathe until Nate pulled away.

“Keep going.” Matt’s voice cracked as he caught his breath again. He grabbed Nate’s wrist and put the sponge back on his body. Images transferred again— _ Matt’s slammed up against the shower wall _ …

Nathan didn’t flinch. He let his embarrassment flow to his cheeks, certain his head would explode soon.

He started under the neck, and Matt curled into it, looking up to Nate with brown bambi eyes.

Nate sighed. This was where the awkward part began: the nipples.  _ Should I go over them? Swirl around them? God, I hope they aren’t sensitive. Why do men even have nipples? _

Nate settled for just going between them, sliding to the less-intimidating stomach.  _ Oh god…  _ Matt’s dick stood erect and pointing toward heaven.

Nate’s hand slipped, and the back of his hand brushed against Matt’s shaft. They flinched in shock, Nate with a large step back and Matt curling up against the wall, breathing heavily.

“Fuck! Fuck! I’m sorry! Shit! I didn’t mean to—I wasn’t—”

Matt trembled. “That wasn’t… wasn’t that bad…”

“You’re shaking.”

“Yeah. But still. Not bad. Haven’t felt that in a long time.” He stepped away from the wall. “I think it’s only fair I get to touch you now.” A devious grin appeared.

“Ov-of course! That’s only fair.” Nate stood stick-straight, arms at his sides like a soldier.

Matt looked him over with wide, eager eyes. He reached his hand out and squeezed Nate’s bicep.

His hand then slid over to Nate’s pecs, squeezed one of them, and kept going down, grazing over the nipple, and poked at his stomach.

Matt looked at Nate’s half-hard penis with deep consideration.  _ Is that the full length? It’s a bit bigger than mine… I wonder what it would feel like inside me.  _ The thought was paired with a matching fantasy.

Nate wondered if it would be appropriate to say something.

After several moments pondering whether to touch Nate’s dick, Matt came from behind and squeezed Nate’s ass with a mischievous smile.

Nate didn’t think he could’ve blushed harder than he already was. Boy, was he wrong. At this point Nate’s face was warm enough to fry eggs on.

Matt giggled, kissing Nathan on the cheek. “You’re blushing,” he stated, encroaching.

“A little,” Nate said.

Their bodies collided. The things that infiltrated Nate’s head were the dirtiest, filthiest things Nate had ever seen—a deluge of ass and penises and moans and begging and rope and mouths on places that were not lips. He had to step away; he slipped out of the shower, closing the door behind him. 

He took a few deep breaths and wrapped himself with a bathrobe. Then he turned around to check on Matt. “Are you okay?”.

Matt was in the fetal position, crying on the floor. “I wish—I wish I was normal. I wish we could have a normal relationship. I don’t want PTSD and aliens and dream-sharing. I don’t want to be your burden. I want to be a good boyfriend.” The wailing echoed off the walls of the bathroom, distorting his voice.

Nate put his hand on the glass, trying not to cry in turn. “Matt, I wouldn’t trade you—I wouldn’t trade this—for the world. You’re more important to me than anything a normal relationship could give me.”

“I want to go on dates. I wanna walk in the park. I want you to buy me flowers. I wanna show you to my friends and family. I wanna be public and kiss you and touch you and make love to you without it being a terrifying experience. Please… I just want flowers…”

“I can get you flowers. What kind of flowers do you want?”

Matt only responded with more tears.

“You want some time alone? Or do you want me to stay?”

“Alone. Time alone.”

“Okay. I’m right outside in bed, okay?”

* * *

Matt came out dressed in a set of Nate’s pajamas that were just a little too loose on him. His eyes were still puffy and red.

“Better?”

“Yeah,” Matt whispered, burying himself in the sheets next to Nate.

“You wanna talk about it?”

Matt shook his head. He curled into Nate’s chest, fiddling with the buttons on Nate’s shirt.

“I think you need friends, Matt. I can’t be your only connection to the outside world.”

“I can’t talk to my friends, Natey.”

“You could meet my friends. They’ve been dying to meet you.”

“Really?”

“Yeah,” Nate said.  _ Hunter would never let me hear the end of it, though. Maybe he’d torture Matt about it for a bit and give me a moment of peace. _

Matt was still toying with the buttons.

“If you keep playing with those, they’re gonna undo.”

Nate’s shirt unsnapped. “Oops,” said Matt, clearly not regretting anything.

“ _ Matthew _ . You did that on purpose!” 

“Did I?” Matt ran a finger through the exposed cleavage.

“God, Matt. You little…”

_ Matt leaned into Nate’s neck, kissing gently. He bit down, and Nathan cried in pleasure. _

“You want to kiss my neck?”

Matt’s head jerks up. “What?”

“Sorry, you’re sharing your thoughts again.”

“Oh, shit—” Matt covered his mouth.

“It’s fine. I’d prefer if you’d ask the gentlemanly way, though.” Nate wiggled his hips.

“Oh…  _ ooh… _ ” Matt flushed red. “Can I—can I kiss your neck?” He asked, getting quieter with each word.

“Well, since you are such a  _ handsome prince _ , I suppose I can let you have it this once.”

“Okay,  _ princess,”  _ he teased. He kissed Nate on the cheek. Then on the jawline. Then he kissed under the jaw, hitting a sensitive spot. Nate made a small noise.

And so Matt continued, furiously planting kisses everywhere on the neck, Nate giggling and moaning. Matt only slowed down when he went for the first bite—a light one on the Adam’s apple.

A gasp left Nate’s mouth.

In response, Matt bit down harder on the collarbone, gently sucking.

Nate moaned. “ _ Fuck,  _ Matt…”

Matt licked the hickey, taking some of the sting away.

“Again?”

“Again,  _ please _ .”

Matt put his lips on Nate’s shoulder, and sucked again.

“ _ Hnnng _ , god, I love you…”

Matt removed his mouth. There was now a reddish-purple circle where his lips had just been. “I’m done now. I wanna sleep.”

“Alright.” Nate buttoned up his shirt, then yawned and stretched his arms up. He enveloped Matt in his arms.

Matthew tugged the cloth up over the marks. “I  _ tried _ to keep them below the shirt collar.”

“It’s fine, I can cover it up. Now let’s go to sleep.”

* * *

Nate sat at his desk, head in his hand, clicking his pen. 

“I can see your hickeys.”

Nate jumped. “ _ Fuck, _ Hunter, don’t scare me like that!” He scolded, adjusting his shirt collar.

“Still in denial you’re gay?”

“It’s… complicated.”

Hunter took a thoughtful sip from his mug. “You know what? I’ll take it. Step up from denial.”

Nate suppressed a groan. “I need to get flowers. Do you have any ideas?”

“For Matt?”

“No, for the Queen of England.” Nate sniped. “Of course It’s for Matt. He wants flowers and I just don’t think a dozen roses is gonna cut it.”

“ _ Oooooh? _ ” Hunter cooed, receiving a look from Nate. “Wanna make it official?”

“I don’t know, Hunter. I can’t help but think that the way he feels about me is different from the way I feel about him.” He rubbed his temples. “I don’t want to break his heart, but I can’t be the perfect boy...f…” Nathan stopped himself.

“Maybe you should focus less on being the perfect boyfriend, and more on being the boyfriend you can be.”

“I don’t want to break his heart now. He can’t take it.”

“Well, you’re  _ going  _ to break his heart if you keep playing these games with him. You gotta tell him how you feel.”

Nate’s head landed on his desk. “I don’t know what I feel.”

“Well, I don’t get flowers for just  _ anyone. _ But Valentine’s Day is coming up… you could do something big and  _ romantic~ _ .” Hunter winked.

“You sound like you have some plan up your sleeve.”

Hunter put his finger innocently on his mouth. “Noooooo, but I might have some suggestions, ifyou’dliketohearthem.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Valentine's Day!


	6. Valentine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nate and Matt have a Valentine's date.
> 
> (it's spicy time)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Missed Valentine's by a bit... ehh, I get dibs on leap day! Doesn't happen every year, you know!

“What am I doing? What am I doing?” Nate muttered under his breath, lowering his screen brightness. Then he opened a new tab and typed in AdamandEve.com into the search bar.

His eyes were then assaulted with bare-chested men and women in lacy lingerie looking at him like they’d eat him up. It made his skin crawl.

Nate clicked the “ _ for him” _ tab and looked at the options. “Gay male?” Well, Matt was bi, not gay, but then again, they had this arrangement… It sounded like a good place to start.

“Oh lord.” So much stuff to put up your butt. Anal stretcher. Penis rings. A dildo that’s  _ twelve  _ inches?  _ That’s an entire foot! Is that even safe? _

_ My first anal explorer kit? No, Matt has some experience… _

“Hey, Nate!” Hunter came up from behind him.

Nate nearly fell out of his chair. “Hunter! Hi!” He covered his screen with his hands.

“Whatcha looking at?” Hunter leaned over Nate’s shoulder to look at the screen.

“They’re not for me,” Nate defended, making it instantly worse.

Hunter smirked. “Okay, okay, I get it,  _ it’s complicated _ .”

“Don’t patronize me.”

“I was just coming to see if you were still on for next Friday. After you check with Matt first, that is.”

“Oh, yeah, that’s what I wanted to ask you,” Nate slammed his computer screen shut, “if I could bring Matt along with me?”

Hunter lit up. “Nate, we’ve been  _ dying _ to meet your new boyfriend since you first got together. You’ve been keeping us from him!”

Nate groaned. It was pointless to protest. “So that's a yes?”

“Yes it is. I’m so excited~.”

“Now can you leave me alone? I have personal business to attend to.”

Hunter stepped away, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively. “Of course, of course.”

Re-opening his computer, Nate was faced with some decisions to make. Some rather expensive ones—these toys could go up to seventy dollars.

“Oh god. Oh fuck.”  _ Well, let’s see. Are there any reasonable sized dildos? I don’t want to hurt him. Or give unreasonable expectations. _

He settled on a five-inch one. It was blue and glowed in the dark, which he wasn’t certain what the appeal was, but it saved him the suffering of deciding if he should get the default white skin tone or one closer to his own. (That might be  _ too  _ forward.)

He added that to cart alongside the least realistic looking fleshlight—the disembodied vaginas were going to haunt his nightmares—and the “prostate massagers” that looked promising, he supposed.

He was just about to purchase when a strange item popped into the recommendations. 

It was a mold.

For a dildo.

A dildo molded from your own penis.

Now that was  _ too  _ forward.

For now.

Maybe later it would be good. Matt was horny and maybe it would come to a point where Nate would give him the next best thing.

Nathan, now thoroughly embarrassed and a hundred dollars poorer left his computer and went back to his actual serious business.

* * *

Come Valentine’s Day, Matt came home early to enough rose candles to be a potential fire hazard and a giant spaghetti dinner.

“Natey… oh Natey….” Matt wrapped his arms around his (boy)friend’s shoulders and kissed him.

“Heh, it’s nothing,” Nate laughed.

“It’s a lot more than  _ nothing _ , babe.” Matt said, kissing all over Nate’s face.

“It’s not  _ that _ big a deal.”

“It is to meeeee! C’mon, the spaghetti’s gonna get coooold.”

They sat down at the table. “Oh, are these carnations? I love them!” Matt poked at the petals.

Nate smiled, twirling spaghetti around his fork. Hungry, he dove in—cooking and cleaning had built up an appetite.

It told him a few minutes to even look up again. Matt was staring, entranced, across the table, fork in the pasta, but food barely touched.

“You okay?”

Matt shook off his daze. “Ye-yeah. Just fine. It’s nice, that’s all. The whole thing.” He gestured at the entire table, then booped Nate’s nose.

Nathan felt warm. “Aw… thanks…”

Matt started to eat, looking at Nate the whole time—or at least, every time Nate checked.

Matt was just about finished with his food when he stood up. “Oh, sorry. Um, may I be excused? I’ll be right back.”

“Sure,” replied Nate, finishing up. “You don’t have to ask permission?” It wasn’t really a question, but his voice made it sound like one.

Matt opened the closet door, grabbing something from the top shelf.

“I got you a present,” Matt said, holding a little pink bag with tiny red hearts.

“Aw, you didn’t have to do that,” Nate said.

“Don’t be ridiculous. I know you got me one.” He stuck it in Nate’s face. “C’mon, mine first!”

“Alright, alright,” Nate took the bag from Matthew’s hands and pulled away the paper.

It was a small black teddy bear with a lacy bow around its neck holding a heart. A very standard present, but adorable nonetheless. “Aw, he’s cute. Thanks.” He patted Matt’s hair.

“It’s not very much, but I saw him and thought of you ‘cause he’s all black but very cute.” Matt booped Nate’s nose.

Nathan smiled. “I love him.” He hugged the bear. “Now your present—I want you to sit down for this—I’ll go get it.”

He ran up the stairs and fetched the bags from the closet, and returned to an expectant Matt on the couch.

“I will warn you it’s a little… risqué. But I think you can handle it.” Nate commented as Matt pulled out the boxes.

“Oh. Oh.  _ Oh.”  _ Matt went from pale white to beet red in a second.

Nate didn’t know whether to come closer or leave space. “I know you’ve been seeking, uh, earthy pleasures and uh, well neither of us are ready for that step yet, so I thought I’d give you the ability to, well, do it yourself, on your own time.”

Matt curled up into his jacket, but nodded.

“Need a few moments?”

Matt nodded again, but before Nate could move, Matt ran upstairs, toys in hand.

“Okay, then. Guess you need some space.”

Nate picked up the plates and gave them a quick scrub before putting them in the dishwasher, then extinguished all the candles so they wouldn’t become a danger. The whole room still kept the smell of champagne, roses, and blackberries, even as he put all the candles back in their box. The tablecloth was put away, and the flowers set aside.

Nate sat at the island in the kitchen, sipping quietly on the rest of his champagne, wondering if it was appropriate to go upstairs yet.

Hunter was texting him asking for all the details. Nate ignored it.

Finished with his drink, he put in the sink, and headed upstairs, hoping Matt was ready for him. But when he got to the bedroom, it was empty.

**Where are you?** He texted Matt as he flopped onto the bed.

Then he heard it. It was quiet, but there.

“Ooh…  _ aaaah _ …”

Moaning.

Matt was moaning.

The sound of it made Nate breathe funny. “Oh, Lord…”

_ Beep-beep. _ His phone buzzed with a text—with the tone designated for Matt’s messages.

Well, now Nate didn’t want to answer it. Matt’s mind was in distant places.

“Ah, ah,  _ Oooooh, Nate _ ....” Given the louder noise (although he was clearly holding back) and the silence after, that was the climax: Matt shouting Nate’s name.

Nathan grabbed his crotch, as if trying to keep his penis from running away. The moans echoed around the walls of his brain. “Nate, Nate, Nate…” he imitated. His eyes were wired shut. God, he wanted to hear that sound again. Or maybe throw up. “Matt-Matthew,” he groaned breathily.

“Yes?” An arm wrapped around him, triggering Nate’s fight-or-flight response. He nearly fell off the bed.

“Hi, Matt, didn’t hear you coming.” Matt was hovering over him, looking with bright, smiling eyes. Looking almost happy, complete, together, healthy. “My mind was somewhere else.”

“I can see that,” Matt giggled. “You know…” He paused, and fixated on the wall. “You know… let’s say if, if you wanted to try the stuff out that you bought me, it  _ is  _ Valentine’s Day…” He struggled to look at Nate, but was able to grind his hips into Nate’s butt a couple times. 

There were a few deep, unsteady breaths. While Nate was not completely shocked this happened, he couldn’t just calmly reject Matt’s He turned so they could see each other better.

“Matthew, you know what I’m going to say,” Nate crooned, brushing their noses together. “You’re not ready.”

_ Break me. _

“Matt, don’t say it like that,” Nate whined. The small gap between them closed and they kissed, leaning into a comfortable make out session.

Nate wrapped his arm around Matt’s waist, pulling Matt on top of him. Matt, on the other hand, went exploring.

“Hands  _ above _ the belt. And over the clothes!” Nate wrestled Matthew’s hands out of the naughty places.

“Natey…” Matt bit his lip, and gave the dreamy-bedroom-eyes that Nate assumed were supposed to be sexy.

“Aw c’mon, you’ve got the toys. What do you need me for? They’re the same thing, if not better.” Nate leaned back to continue kissing, but Matt pulled away, pouting.

“Nothing, I guess. I can just replace you with a pillow and a dildo. Might get more out of that, in fact. It wouldn’t need to eat or shower.”

“Matt, I-” Nathan was too tired. “I’m sorry. Can we cuddle?”

With a sigh, Matt nudged back closer to Nate, still not looking at him.

Nate grabbed on as tight as he could without scaring Matt. “I’m sorry. Please don’t be mad. I didn’t mean it—whatever it was—”

“It’s fine,” Matt muttered, clearly not fine.

“I love you.”

“Good night.”

It took awhile for Nate to get to sleep.

_ What did I do? _

_ Will he still be mad tomorrow? _

_...Am I gay? _

* * *

_ The bed was covered in pink and white rose petals. Nate sat on the edge, the gentle wind blowing a few more petals to the ground. _

_ “I’m sorry. I can’t do it.” Matt cried. _

_ “Sh, sh, it’s okay, it’s alright,” Nate whispered, pulling apart the snaps on Matt’s white shirt. “No one’s expecting you to do  _ anything. _ ” _

_ “Yes they are. They’re expecting everything from me.” Tears streamed down his cheeks. _

_ Nathan held Matt’s chin. “But  _ I’m _ not expecting you to do anything.” He picked up the biggest rose petal he could find and wiped off Matt’s cheeks. “And as long as I’m here, they can’t make you do anything you don’t want to--without me standing in their way.” He tossed the damp, crinkly rose petal to the floor, and grabbed another big one, putting it under Matt’s nose. “Now, blow.” _

_ Matt did as commanded: a nice, nasally blow. Then he leaned into Nate’s shoulder. _

_ “Breathe. Just breathe.” Nate slid Matt’s shirt down, and massaged the exposed shoulders. “It’s gonna be alright.” _

_ Matt’s breathing gradually steadied. “I think I need to distract myself; you know, blow off some steam…” He slipped his hand under Nate’s jacket. _

_ “Oh, is that what you want?” Nate kissed Matt, tipping them over so they were now horizontal on the bed. Petals flew everywhere. “Well, then. You’d better be good.” He teased, tickling Matt’s stomach. _

_ Matt cackled like a dolphin. “Stop, stop!” He called out between laughs. _

_ Nate held his hands up in surrender. “Oka-” He was cut off by Matt’s attack. “No fair! That’s cheating!” _

_ “You’re the one that pulled out,” Matt defended, before realizing his word choice. _

_ “Oh trust me, I’m not pulling out tonight.” Nate threw a weak fistful of rose petals at his tickler. _

_ “You little shit,” Matt giggled, throwing petals back. _

_ Nate tried and failed to defend himself. “Okay, okay, I’ll let you win this round.” He pushed Matt off, knocking him over. “I’m going to get the lube. And when I come back, I don’t want you wearing anything but rose petals.” _

_ “Yes, sir,” Matt saluted, unzipping his pants. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy birthday eve, Nate!


	7. The Party (Part 1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Matt and Nate go to Hunter's house.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since this is taking forever I'm just gonna divide it in two and publish the second half whenever

“Here, wait, your shirt buttons are done wrong.” Nate unsnapped the buttons on Matt’s flannel.

“No! They’re lined up just fine.” Matt swatted away Nate’s hands, redoing the buttons. Nate went to fuss with Matt’s hair. “Stop it, stop touching me. I look fine. We’re not going to a fucking wedding.”

Nate rescinded his hands. “I just want you to look nice. First impressions are important.”

“These people know who I am. And they’re not going to care about a hair out of place. I let you iron my shirt. Isn’t that enough?” Matt exited the car, and headed to the door. Nate was rushing after him, protesting.

Matt waited at the step. “You can ring the doorbell,” he said, tucking behind Nate as the musician approached the door.

Nate did, and was greeted by Hunter, who invited them in. They shared a quick bro-hug while Matt drifted to the side, still standing outside on the doorstep.

“How’s it been?”

“Good, good.”

“I’m excited to meet your new  _ friend. _ ” Hunter turned to Matt, who was trying to sneak past this whole scene. “Have we met? I’m Hunter.” He stuck his hand out.

“Hi, Hunter, I’m Nate’s boyfriend,” Matt said, keeping his hands in his pockets, staring down the hand as if it were a gun.

Nate made the “cut it out” gesture, and Hunter dropped it, with a look of concern.

“So,  _ boyfriend _ , huh? Nate hasn’t gotten there yet.”

“Yeah, I know,” Matt chuckled quietly, “Still not the worst case I’ve had.”

“ _ Really _ , now?”

“One guy said ‘I’m straight’ before he—he clim-cl-k-kissed me.” 

Hunter looked to Nate.

“What? It wasn’t me, Hunter!”

“Oh, I’m sorry, it was such an easy mistake to make!”

“The hot ones are never the brightest.” Matt rubbed his neck. “At least this one knows that water and ice are made from the same stuff.”

“ _ Himbos _ ,” Hunter nodded wisely.

Nate scoffed in semi-mock offense. “Is that how you think about me?”

Matt looked him up and down, then nodded, causing Hunter to lose it.

“Well, I won’t stay where I’m not wanted.” Nate stepped away.

Matt half-heartedly shrugged.

Nate squeezed Matt’s shoulders. “Can I go? I’ll be right in the other room.”

“Yeah, it’s fine. I’ll be fine.” Matt squeezed Nate’s hand in response before pushing him off. 

Nate took the cue, and went into the other room.

Jonathan and Anna were standing in the living room, talking.

“Hey guys, how are you?”

“Hey, Nate!”

“Hey!”

“Where’s Matt?” Anna looked towards the entrance. 

“He’s with Hunter in the kitchen. He’s kinda shy, I’m sure he’ll be over here in a bit. Where’s Andy?”

“MatPat?  _ Shy?” _ Jonathan laughed.

“Andy canceled last-minute. Something about a family emergency.” Anna informed Nate.

“Oh, that sucks. I wanted to introduce him to everyone all together.”

Anna shrugged. It wasn’t a big deal.

* * *

Matt stood with his arms crossed, trying to swallow down his survival instincts.  _ I shouldn’t have asked Nate to go why did he go why why why why— _ red flashed in his mind. He must’ve looked like a deer in the headlights.

“You can sit down, you know.” Hunter pulled out a barstool.

“Okay,” Matt squeaked, sitting down in a different seat, wishing for Hunter’s eyes to look elsewhere.

“You want a beer? Maybe it’ll take the edge off.” Hunter opened the refrigerator, pointing to an assortment of colorful cans. “What do you like?”

“Do you have a lemonade?” Matt requested. He didn’t drink and now seemed like a horrible time to start.

“Sure.” Glass clinked against each other, then hit the granite in front of Matt, who opened it up and gulped half of it down, wincing at the bitter aftertaste.

He shook his head, trying to bring himself back to earth. “So, you’re Hunter.”

Hunter nodded, confused. “Yes, that’s my name…”

“You’re a let’s-player, you don’t sing?”

“Well, I sing, it’s just that no one else wants to hear it.”

“You’re the one trying to set us up?” Matt laughed, taking another sip of bitter lemonade.

“Well, I mean, he needs a little push, right?”

“Yeah, yeah… it’s getting kinda annoying, these games. Every time I think I've got him, finally, he takes a giant step back to 'no homo'-ville. I don't know how much longer I'll be able to put up with it." Matt took another sip, looking up to see Hunter's vacant face, seer of a thousand ghosts; all of which belonged to Matthew Patrick. "Sorry. Too much?"

Hunter shook his head. "Not really. I guess it looks different from the inside. Because from what I can see, he likes you. A lot."

"Really?" Matt looked down, tracing the veins in the granite.

"Absolutely. I mean, for god's sake, he's still paying for his apartment, despite the fact that he hasn't been there in weeks. He’s never done that before.”

“Well… I need special attention. Considering…”

Hunter’s next inhale/exhale fell off rhythm.

“...my condition.” Those last three words felt hours apart.

Hunter tried to conceal a twitch—and he probably would have succeeded, if Matt hadn’t been hyperaware of his surroundings.

“Well, I’m going to go see Anna and Jonathan in the living room. You can come join us when you’re ready.” Hunter shuffled to the exit archway.

“Wasn’t there supposed to be someone else?” Matt took note of his surroundings. 

_ White door. More likely a closet than an exit. _

Andy couldn’t come, sorry…”

_ Windows over the dining table. Don’t have visible locks. Doubt you could open them. _

“...Said he had a family emergency.” 

_ The kitchen archway is about ten steps away from the front door. Front door squeaks. Would be noticed. _

With that, Hunter exited Matt’s field of vision, his footsteps hitting the ground much faster.

_ There is a window at the end of the hall. Human-sized. _

It took a moment for Hunter’s words to permeate Matt’s brain. “Three people. Three new people. No Andy. Won’t see Andy.” Matt sighed; tension left his cramped shoulders. One less person, one less problem to deal with.

He took a step to the doorway—it felt much easier now—and took a few final few gulps off his drink, throwing the empty bottle into the recycling.

He would socialize, for the first time in over a year.  _ I used to be good at that— _ He bit his tongue. His stomach was spinning.

* * *

“Dude, what the fuck?” Hunter crossed the room in two broad steps before he angrily half-whispered at Nate.

“What do you mean, ‘what the fuck?’” Nate sipped a beer, suddenly self-conscious.

“You said he was a bit depressed after the divorce, not— _ this. _ ”

“He was depressed after the divorce.”

Hunter gave him a look.

“ _ And _ some other stuff. Stuff that’s not my right to go around telling people.”

With a sigh, Hunter realized he was at an impasse, suddenly finding great intrigue in the lines on the carpet.

“Speaking of which, I’m going to check on him.” Nate stepped out of the living room, where Matt leaned on a table while struggling to open a bottle.

“I’d be careful there if I were you. I’m pretty sure that vase is expensive. Might be a family heirloom, even.”

Matt’s eyes grew wide; he put a finger to his lips.

Nate touched Matt’s hand.  **Testing, testing, one, two, three?**

_ Loud and clear,  _ replied Matt.

**Need some help with that?** Nate gestured to the bottle.

_ No, I got it. I just don’t want it right now. _ He tucked it under his arm.

**Whatever you say—think? Whatever you think into my head.**

_ Should I laugh? I don’t think so _ _. _ It was a distant echo. Matt rested his head on Nate’s shoulder. I thought I was getting better.

**You’re getting better. You’re just. New place, new people. It’s okay. A year ago you couldn’t leave the house. I’m sorry. Maybe we should’ve done this in our house. With less people, even less people—**

Matt snuggled into the crook of Nate’s neck.  _ It’s not your fault I’m a mess. I’ll get used to it. _

**You don’t have to make it harder on yourself. You don’t have to leave the safety closet for another three years if you don't want too when we get home.**

_ You are my comfort zone. _

“Oh, um, am I interrupting something?” Anna's voice cut through the moment.

“N-no!” Matt pushed Nate off, blushing.

“Not at all! Just… helping Matt open his drink.” He tugged the bottle from Matthew’s grip and popped open the top. “There you go.”

“Thank you,” Matt said, his nose scrunched in frustration.

Perhaps had there been less boundaries, Nate would have given it a little kiss.

“O _ kaaaaay _ …” Anna tiptoed stiffly to the kitchen.

“Hot, hot,” Matt was flushed. He gulped down his lemonade.

“Don’t drink too fast, you’ll get cramps.”

“Who are you? My mom?” Matt started drinking it faster.

Nate rolled his eyes. “I’ll be in the living room, waiting for you, ‘kay?"

“M-hm,” Matt hummed into his now empty bottle.

**Author's Note:**

> follow me at @natepat or @ceriseskies on tumblr. Join our discord plz I'm begging


End file.
